Dear, old friend? Who knew the beginning of the end would be this hard? I’m unsure what to call you but I want to write to you, a piece of my heart, with things unsaid and things that can maybe never be said. How it felt to lose you Breakups are hard. Losing someone to […]
Dear, old friend?
Who knew the beginning of the end would be this hard? I’m unsure what to call you but I want to write to you, a piece of my heart, with things unsaid and things that can maybe never be said.
Breakups are hard. Losing someone to death is hard. Grieving the loss of it all, however, is normal, and everyone goes through this process; Everyone understands it. But losing a friend? Losing you? I felt an ache in my chest that I couldn’t explain – can’t explain. Maybe it felt like losing a part of me that I didn’t know was filled by you, so effortlessly.
I don’t think we talk about how hard it is to lose close friends.
Initially, it was just me picking up my phone to update you on daily bittersweet nothings, only to realize I don’t have that space in your life. Then, as I would find your things in my room, it would be waves of sadness hitting me gently. When people would ask me how you were doing, my throat would clench up and my stomach would cramp with maybe… guilt? And I would sadly say, “I don’t know, really”, trying to mask my sadness, brushing it off by initiating another conversation.
However, in the privacy of my thoughts at night I would wonder, how are you doing? What happened to that plant you swore you wouldn’t kill? How are your applications going? I heard from a mutual friend that you have been taking dance lessons, I’m glad you got to do that. Thereafter, I sit and wonder what people think happened between us.
However long we’ve been apart, I won’t forget how you stood up for yourself unapologetically, how you fought through life to be where you are today, and how you put on the bravest face when faced with adversities. I only hope I picked up a little bit of your courage and strength to get me through things on my own.
We parted for many reasons, and I’m not writing this to tell you I want to take things back to how they were or to say I will never want to work through this. I am writing to tell you that losing you felt like a loss I needed to grieve. This is me reminiscing, this is me grieving, this is me shouting into the void to tell you that I miss you and you meant a lot to me. You held a special place in my life and my heart. You will always mean something to me. We helped each other learn, heal, and grow.
It is important for me to grow through this grief and the loss and emptiness I’m feeling. It is also important for me to do it on my own. I end this letter knowing that I am not carrying extreme negative emotions and I choose to remember you for the good times. I end this letter knowing you’re going to be fine on your own and I will be fine on mine. I end this letter with a lighter heart and this is where we part ways.
With love and best wishes,
An old friend.